Category Archives: Food

KFC’s Double Down Returns

Men are all about protein.

And bacon.

And cheese.

Carbs are for sissies.

And we do love our fried chicken.

You don’t know how happy I am that KFC brought back its legendary Double Down, a majestic, man-sized creation of chickeny goodness KFC Philippines describes on its website as “an all-meat sandwich with two Original Recipe Chicken fillet, two pieces of bacon, cheese and mayo.”

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I repeat: An all-meat sandwich. With two chicken fillets. And bacon. And cheese. And mayo.

I guess that makes it paleo-approved?

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It’s all good for just P120 a pop, a la carte, or P160 with fries and a soda.

For less manly men with lesser appetites, they also have the Junior Double Down, which is much smaller, and is the fried chicken equivalent of saying you have a small penis.

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I wouldn’t get one, even at just P80 a la carte. I’d just go for the man-sized bigger version. It’s symbolic – everybody knows, after all, that the size of a man’s penis directly relates to the size of his fried chicken.

I love the Double Down. It’s a man-sized burger for a man-sized appetite.

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And believe me, it’s taking all my willpower not to pick up my phone and get about 14 of these bad boys delivered…

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How To Keep Romance Alive In A Gaseous Relationship

Couples in love share everything – secrets, dreams, opinions, and kisses.

One thing they shouldn’t share though? Farts. I mean, seriously. Men are total beasts when it comes to protein. Army Navy’s breakfast burritos are great – how can you go wrong with chorizo, beans, a fried egg, and tons of garlic-fried rice?

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They’re not very friendly to one’s fartal dynamics though. My wife loves me unconditionally, but she literally wakes up in tears in the middle of the night from my gaseous whisperings after chowing down on one of these bad boys.

That’s why I am utterly enamored by this magical brand of underwear, Shreddies, which claims to “kill your fart’s smell and be able to neutralize odors up to 200 times the stinky strength of the average fart.”

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How do they work? Their website says:

Shreddies flatulence-filtering underwear features a ‘Zorflex’ activated carbon back panel that absorbs all flatulence odours. Due to its highly porous nature, the odour vapours become trapped and neutralised by the cloth, which is then reactivated by simply washing the garment.

Zorflex. How awesome is that? It’s the fartal equivalent of Kevlar, only better!

And the best part is, you can’t tell by looking that a dude is prancing flexing around in a pair of Shreddies. They look completely normal from the outside, and have the exciting side effect of compressing one’s grapefruits into a shapely, aerodynamic, yet intimidatingly imposing package. Trust me.

To all this, I say, “challenge accepted.”

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8065 Bagnet: Great Food, Disastrous Security

I confess to being a bit frustrated at the management of 8065 Bagnet, a little restaurant that operates in San Antonio Village, Makati, with a menu that features an astonishingly wide range of dishes that feature bagnet as a primary ingredient.

It’s an intriguing concept, especially since Z & I think that heart health is overrated. We’d been particularly intrigued by the Binagoongang Bagnet and the Spicy Ginataang Bagnet, and had long made it a goal of ours to drop by soon for one of our legendary gustatory adventures.

And so, last Holy Wednesday, we finally made the trek to Estrella Street in Makati for what we thought would be a nice, leisurely dinner.

But as you can read below, I don’t think we’ll ever go back again.

To make a long story short, my car was broken into, and both Z & I got our stuff stolen. We’ll be the first to admit – it was very stupid of us to leave our valuables inside the car while it was unattended. That’s something we never do. But that one night, we were both so tired and hungry and grumpy for work, and let our usual security-conscientiousness slide.

And so, it was goodbye to Z’s MacBook.

Goodbye to my iPad.

Goodbye shades and perfume and the 1-week old Cambridge Batchel that Z gave me.

Stupidity on our part, but I hoped we could do something to make sure something similar wouldn’t happen to 8065’s patrons in the future.

I dropped one of the owners of 8065 Bagnet a line – not to put blame on management (leaving one’s stuff in a car is a no-no, in any case), but because we were told by the extremely helpful MAPSA and police guys who helped us out that this is a frequent occurrence among diners there. I just wanted him to be fully aware of the security problem in his area, and to see if he’d be willing to get some help from the baranggay or even hire his own bantays in the future.

That was a week ago. And he has yet to acknowledge receipt of my message. So I don’t know if anything has been to done to secure future customers from what happened to us.

How else can I reach them?

This is the message I sent via Facebook:

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Hi Jeff, got your name from _______ – she mentioned you were the owner of 8065 Bagnet in San Antonio Village in Makati.

Anyway – ate there for the first time last Wednesday evening. Extremely good food, great prices. We’d been meaning to eat there for months but never made the time. Loved the binagoongan na bagnet and the ginataan. 

There were quite a lot of people that night, so I had to park my new car some distance from your restaurant, at the corner across David’s Salon, since there was no more space in front of 8065.

This led to the unpleasant part of our dinner. When we came out, two MAPSA guys informed us that the window of my car had been smashed in. We lost two bags containing a MacBook and an iPad, plus various other small valuables.

Obviously, it’s our fault for leaving valuables in the car in that neighborhood. It’s not something we normally do, and for sure it’s not something we will do again. Simply put, katangahan lang talaga namin for being so careless.

I’m just dropping a note to you because the MAPSA guys, the guys at the police station, and various residents nearby mentioned that there have been multiple similar incidents that have happened to patrons of your restaurant, as a place that’s growing in popularity. They say they’ve strongly suggested to the owners to at least hire some bantay’s to watch over the cars of your customers, in the same way as other nearby places we love like Central, Pat Pat’s Kansi, Bacolod Chicken BBQ, etc. 

Am hoping you are taking that suggestion under serious consideration. We love your food but don’t think we can ever come back until we have peace of mind that our car & belongings will be safe. I’ve also had to warn several of my friends who have heard great things about your place not to eat there, unless they’re willing to risk their valuables as well.

God bless and good luck to 8065 Bagnet. Hope to come back some day.

Thanks.

Mark

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The New KFC Double Down: Shining Immortal of Fast Food Glory, or Paper Pretender to Manly Man Satisfaction?

There is a very memorable speech that Brad Pitt gives as Achilles in the Trojan War cinematic epic, “Troy.”

He speaks on immortality, on how it lies in wait for those who dare to surge beyond fear, beyond despair, beyond the thought of “I cannot do it.”

“Immortality,” he says. “Take it. It’s yours!”

And it appears that the good folk over at KFC seem to have taken this inspirational quest for immortality to heart, launching what initially promised to be one of the most spectacular fastfood innovations known to man: The new KFC Double Down.

This TV commercial inspired me enough to write about it on my food blog some months ago. “At last!” I thought to myself. “A burger that finally understands what it is that us Manly Men need: Protein!”

Here’s how it looks:

And here’s how they described it:

The creation features a dollop of the Colonel’s secret sauce wrapped in a slice of both Pepperjack Cheese and Swiss Cheese, between two slices of bacon and two filets of KFC original recipe chicken that serve as the ‘bread’ of the burger. That’s right – instead of bread, you get breaded chicken. Multiplied by two.

No bread. Just chicken. The unhungry burger for hungry men.

What an amazing concept.

Now, I had been trying my darnedest over the last three days to finally score myself a taste of the KFC Double Down when I heard that KFC had finally decided to offer it to the local Philippine market of strapping, protein-hungry Manly Men such as myself. I confess that my batting average was at 0-for-3; it was sold out across all branches – a fact confirmed via various friends on Twitter to whom I had complained.

And then, I spotted it at KFC along President’s Avenue in BF Homes. It was available. For real.

PhP100 for the a la carte Double Down.

PhP115 inclusive of a beverage.

PhP135 inclusive of a beverage and one Fixin. They suggested coleslaw. I did not disagree.

I did, however, realize that I was a rich man, who happened to have PhP203 in my very luxurious Seiko wallet. And rather than just going Double Down, I decided to go All In.

This is a picture of my custom MDJ Super All In Double Down Gluttony Extravaganza Combo Meal – one KFC Double Down, one regular coleslaw, one regular mashed potatoes, double rice, and a large refreshing glass of Lipton iced tea. That’s the 6 essential Manly Man food groups represented right there.

And so, after months of anticipation, wet dreams, and petition-signing, how did the KFC Double Down actually taste?

In a word: Disappointing.

The chicken patties are literally what you are served in your basic Colonel’s Burger, while the bacon was soggy and almost indiscernible. And I’m not sure what got lost in translation, but the Pepperjack and Swiss cheese promised in KFC’s original advertising copy tasted just like your typical local Eden Cheese Singles.

And most disappointingly, the “Colonel’s Secret Sauce” tasted just like plain old mayo.

But was it filling?

Manly Men don’t demand high artistry in their food; we need substance and size. The KFC Double Down is surprisingly small – despite the multiple Fixins and double rice I accessorized it with, I ended my meal still feeling hungry. It’s no more filling than a standard 1-piece order of fried chicken; I had to get an additional order of Chewy Cheese to satiate my generous appetite. If you have to spend almost PhP300 at KFC to feel full, then it’s probably a sign that you ordered wrong.

Final verdict?

KFC’s Double Down promised to be the immortal deity of glory and goodness on the High Holy Pantheon of Dude Food. It’s no more filling than a 1-piece order of fried chicken – and we all know that no true Manly Man worth his collection of Maxim magazine would be caught dead ordering anything less than two pieces of good, wholesome, healthy KFC.

Give it a shot just to satisfy your curiosity, but don’t expect to make a lifelong habit out of it.

In the quest for immortality, KFC’s Double Down comes up way short. It’s a summer night’s fling rather than a lifetime love.

And we all know that when it comes to love, to commitment, to relationship, real Manly Men like you and me are all about the long view.

The unhungry sandwich? More like the unmanly.

Is KFC’s New Chili Lime Chicken Worth The Hype?

There are only three things in life that Real Manly Men like you and I need to eat:

  1. Raw meat
  2. Goat entrails
  3. Fried chicken

Bonus points if you somehow manage to concoct yourself a goulash consisting of all three…

But that’s it. No fancy frou-frou salads. No delicate flaky pastries. Just authentic barbarian entrees served with a minimum of flash and frills.

Now, when it comes to item number 3 on  my list of Manly Food, I like to keep things simple. Just some basic fried chicken, a side of cole slaw, a mountain of mashed potatoes a triple serving of rice, and a bargeful of gravy to keep things nice and lubricated. KFC does a good job of providing this core Manly Food Item. Certainly well enough that I don’t need to explore other, less masculine options such as Jollibee, McDonald’s, or even *shudder* Popeye’s.

Man, that’s a lot of food.

But every now and then, KFC comes up with something that surprises me and makes my manly throat utter a nervously excited squeak.

Today, I saw something that elicited precisely that unbecoming Girly Squeak from my Superstar throat.

It was the all-new KFC Chili Lime Chicken.

I was so intrigued that I just had to cancel various bank-related errands for my Thailand trip, and drop by their President’s Avenue branch for an impromptu pit stop.

I wanted the pure, virginal experience, so I just ordered a basic 2-piece meal, double rice, no sidings. I needed to know how the Chili Lime chicken stood up to my discerning Manly Palate in its most naked form.

The verdict?

It’s exactly how you imagine it to be: their moist, juicy chicken marinated in a lime-infused mix, deep-fried in their crisp golden batter (which is exactly the same as their Hot & Crispy batter, btw), then coated with finely-powdered layers of chili and lime.

It wasn’t spectacular. But it was very good. The lime taste was very subtle – more of an aftertaste, really, but played off the zesty chili very well. It brought back memories of gin-laden nights in the old Peligro bar, and gave an unexpectedly fresh, green twist to a normally very “brown” food in one’s mouth. The chili wasn’t amped up to the levels of the basic Hot & Crispy version though, which I found disappointing. I have high heat tolerance when it comes to food, and I think that even more spice would have been a mind-blowing contrast to the mild citrus undertones.

I also found it quite strange that it was served with a cup of the standard KFC gravy. Purists will say that’s the only true way to enjoy one’s KFC, but I personally found it to be too meaty to complement the fresh south-of-the-border zestiness of the chicken. I think sour cream would have been a perfect side, with a twist of lime perhaps, but that may be too posh for KFC’s marketing model.

It wasn’t spectacular, as I’ve said, but it certainly is a very intriguing play in the mouth. But you do need to run over to KFC soon if you want to get it. In an exclusive one-on-one interview that may or may not have occurred between MDJ Superstar and KFC’s Global Chief Executive Presidential Chairman on Chili Lime Chicken & Miscellaneous Fixins for Developing Markets & Southern Illionois, the Superstar learned that this new offering will be available until the end of 2010 only, and will be re-evaluated as to market feasibility and sustained presence.

KFC’s new Chili Lime chicken is available at the same price as both their Original Recipe and Hot & Crispy variants, and can be mixed-and-matched with them as you please, even in the various Combo Meal iterations.

I couldn’t find a local TV commercial on YouTube (is there even one?) but this version from another Asian market says everything you need to know about this fresh new kid on the Fried Chicken block.

KFC Chili Lime chicken isn’t the greatest chicken dish in the world, but it certainly is worth a taste or two. Manly Men thrive on keeping themselves fresh, revitalized, reinventive, and new*, and when it comes to keeping one’s portfolio of culinary options up-to-date, there are certainly worse ways to go than this zesty new choice from Colonel Sanders’ own kitchen.

* – Just like Madonna.

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[VIDEO BLOG] The Curious Case of the Crustacean Murders (A Typical Date For MDJ & Zee)

They were brave warriors, noble and true.

They bore tough, resilient armors, hardy enough to resist the most ferocious battering from oceans of misfortune, yet light and pliable enough to allow them to gaze up at the stars every night, dreaming, wondering, “Life.. what does it hold for us?”

They had hopes. They had dreams. They had ambitions and visions, aspirations and goals.

But above all, they had each other.

Their names were Tiffany and Amber, and they were two beautiful young crabs in love.

They swore to each other, with claws intertwined after one particularly lusty, sweaty evening of fierce lovemaking, that they would always be true to each other. They would strive to be better crustaceans together. They would take care of each other, and they would live for each other.

Little did they know that in addition to this, they would die together as well.

Join us on this brief documentary celebrating how the one brief, glorious blaze of love shared by young Tiffany and Amber was tragically snuffed out by the voracious appetites of two incredibly good-looking, adorable, slightly nutty yet staggeringly sweet Superstars likewise in love, MDJ & Zee.

Shed a tear for the end of the love shared by Tiffany & Amber.

Yet forget not to celebrate the courage with which they faced death together.

If only we, as humans, could learn to be as brave.

* Production notes: (1) Real crab experts would have spotted right from the start that the crabs in question were, in fact, male, and should not have been named “Tiffany” and “Amber,” but “Timothy” and “Andrew.” (2) All footage is entirely unscripted, and is representative of the general silliness that goes on during the dates of the very-much-twitterpated MDJ & Zee, (3) If you enjoyed this video, kindly share us your appreciation by depositing a very large gratuity in our PayPal accounts, preferably in increments of $1,000.

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She Lost Her Lunchbox :(

I’d like you to meet Xyriel.

Not Momay.

Not Agua. Not Bendita.

She lost her lunchbox.

Tragic.

Imagine her starving slowly during the course of the school day. Weakening. Withering. Wobbling weakly to and fro, as all around her, kids pumped full of good, healthy baon frolic freely under the morning sun.

Doesn’t it break your heart?

I wonder what’s inside. I wish I could give her something to drink…

Visit www.MyLostLunchbox.com to help.

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Introducing: The Jejecake (Regent’s All-New Audaciously-Named “Sndwch Cke”)

I expect that sometime in the future, QWERTY keyboards as we know them will cease to exist.

This we can blame on the ever-swelling culture of jejemonism in the Philippines.

We all know how jejemons type and text – the endless stream of alternating cases, aberrant H’s and Z’s inserted at random, the single-minded drive to create the least efficient way of capturing the phonetics behind a word. It’s people like them who have been able to transform a simple, straightforward, plain vanilla “hi” into an eyeball-mauling “heL0WHzzz p0WhZzzZz!11!!1 Jejejeje”

(Sounds like an asthmatic Pampagueno bumblebee, if you ask me…)

Repulsive as they are, these jejemons need something to eat.

And I’m so happy to see that Regent has stepped up as the first ever jeje-sensitive snack food manufacturing company on the planet.

Introducing! The jejecake!

Jejemons need calories too, and this seems to be the most grammar-sensitive way to give them the saturated fat, artificial sweeteners and extenders, and over-processed carbohydrates that their brains feed on. After all, with a cake this rich in flavour and delight, who needs unnecessary baggage like vowels and grammar?

Regent’s new Sndwch Cke. Jejemon-designed, jejemon approved.

When you stab jejemons, do they not bleed? When you punch them, do they not cry? When you starve them, do they not die?

Let’s go get some chainsaws and a handgun and find out, friends…

P.S. I want to make Regent out to be a villain in this case, but cannot ignore that one of the largest multinationals beat them to the jejemon punch…

“Mtn Dew”? More like “Wtf did you dew”…

P.P.S. If you would like to send Regent your opinion or drop a harsh curse word or two, you can access the Sndwch Cke Facebook page right here.

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Break Free From The Tyranny of the Bun – The New KFC Double Down

Real men don’t bother with pansy-assed things like processed carbohydrates and refined sugars. White bread is for chicks; pasta and rice are for pencil-necked prepubescent nerds.

Men are all about The Meat.

Through generations of stegosaurus-hunting, bison-spearing, and moose-bazooka-ing, our incredibly macho digestive tracts have been biologically hardwired to accept one thing and one thing only: greasy mountains of cholesterol-laden, grease-dripping, quivering-with-saturated-fat good-God-glorious animal protein, AKA “meat.”

That brings me to the glory of what is perhaps the greatest invention of the 21st century thus far, the Segway, the iPhone, and reversible pants notwithstanding: KFC’s epic new bun-free Double Down burger.

This gloriously-politically-incorrect “sandwich” defies one of the most basic concepts behind a sandwich, namely its complete and utter lack of the unimportant, completely incidental little ingredient known as “bread.” Which is perfectly acceptable to MDJ Superstar. Things like “sesame seeds” were created by our Lord Baby Jesus in His little manger-throne solely for the consumption of goats and anorexic cheerleaders anyway, and the only thing achieved by the presence of a bun at the end of the day is to take up space that could have been used to more productive, macho ends, i.e. loading in another slab of deep-fried breaded chicken meat. I know, how inconsiderate, right?

Here’s how KFC themselves describe the Double Down.

The creation features a dollop of the Colonel’s secret sauce wrapped in a slice of both Pepperjack Cheese and Swiss Cheese, between two slices of bacon and two filets of KFC original recipe chicken that serve as the ‘bread’ of the burger. That’s right – instead of bread, you get breaded chicken. Multiplied by two.

Beautiful, isn’t it?

Obviously, it’s incredibly high in calcium from all the cheese. And let’s not overlook the magnificent amounts of bacon-and-chicken-sourced protein to add even more astounding heft to our pecs and biceps. Truly a highlight of modern nutrition and culture, and I am just aghast that it took our Lord Baby Jesus this long to bring this wonder of creation down from the heavens and into our grubby, awestruck hands.

Stand back, McDonad’s Big Mac. Go get clamped, Jollibee Champ. Don’t try to stop her, Burger King Whopper. The new KFC Double Down is the new king of the hill among us manly disciples of the Manly Man Manifesto.

What would it take to get KFC Philippines to launch this locally? I’ve started a petition here. Please spread the word. It’s a fairly simple case, I believe:

  1. Filipino men need protein.
  2. Chicken is a great source of protein.
  3. KFC serves a sandwich that is made of PURE PROTEIN.
  4. Ergo, Filipinos need the KFC Double Down.

I think about five signatures would be enough to convince ol’ Colonel Sanders to look towards our shores. Help me get to that five.

Bring the glory of the KFC Double Down to the Philippines.

Help feed a new breed of macho men in our country.

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A Tribute To A Fallen Comrade – All Turkeys Go To Heaven (Once They’ve Passed Through Our Large Intestines)

My mom’s home-baked turkey is one of our longest-running Christmas traditions – it isn’t always the best-tasting, and it’s occasionally dry, but it’s certainly one of the things we look forward to each year.

We normally get a ginormous one at the supermarket, and end up eating nothing but leftovers for the rest of the year. Believe me, you haven’t lived til you’ve tried Turkey Tinola. It’s things like that that make you feel like a king.

This year however, our former-cook-turned-haciendera came over to visit, and left us with this memorable live specimen as a gift from her farm.

It was an entertaining addition to our little backyard animal menagerie. But history has proven that if you’re an animal, you will come to an inglorious end in the D’Joya household. An old puppy once fried itself by nibbling on the electrical wires of our garden lights. A pair of bunny rabbits had their noses rot and fall off. A chick got bounced on by a basketball in the midst of a dribbling exhibition by my little brother JB. And we once had 17 hamsters escape into the backyard, only to get brutally chased down and eaten alive by our pack of dogs. Well, 16 of them did – the last one panicked and charged into the swimming pool to escape, only to remember too late it had never learned how to swim.

These are just the more recent ones.

It’s not a good thing to be an animal and belong to us. We love them, but they do not have great careers here.

So despite the love, adoration, and emotional attachment we had placed into our resident pet turkey, it had to go.

I don’t know if this was PETA-friendly, but turkeys do live to be eaten for Christmas anyway, right? At the very least it was semi-drugged and not at all violent as it awaited its decapitation on the chopping block. If only our driver had better aim and possibly a more finely-sharpened knife, its end would have slightly more glamorous.

I still think a sledgehammer or a steel chair would have created a more bloggable moment, but there were tiny little things like edibility and food styling that had to be considered.

Goodbye Turkey. We liked you a lot and will always carry you in our hearts and in our stomachs.

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