Real men don’t bother with pansy-assed things like processed carbohydrates and refined sugars. White bread is for chicks; pasta and rice are for pencil-necked prepubescent nerds.
Men are all about The Meat.
Through generations of stegosaurus-hunting, bison-spearing, and moose-bazooka-ing, our incredibly macho digestive tracts have been biologically hardwired to accept one thing and one thing only: greasy mountains of cholesterol-laden, grease-dripping, quivering-with-saturated-fat good-God-glorious animal protein, AKA “meat.”
That brings me to the glory of what is perhaps the greatest invention of the 21st century thus far, the Segway, the iPhone, and reversible pants notwithstanding: KFC’s epic new bun-free Double Down burger.
This gloriously-politically-incorrect “sandwich” defies one of the most basic concepts behind a sandwich, namely its complete and utter lack of the unimportant, completely incidental little ingredient known as “bread.” Which is perfectly acceptable to MDJ Superstar. Things like “sesame seeds” were created by our Lord Baby Jesus in His little manger-throne solely for the consumption of goats and anorexic cheerleaders anyway, and the only thing achieved by the presence of a bun at the end of the day is to take up space that could have been used to more productive, macho ends, i.e. loading in another slab of deep-fried breaded chicken meat. I know, how inconsiderate, right?
Here’s how KFC themselves describe the Double Down.
The creation features a dollop of the Colonel’s secret sauce wrapped in a slice of both Pepperjack Cheese and Swiss Cheese, between two slices of bacon and two filets of KFC original recipe chicken that serve as the ‘bread’ of the burger. That’s right – instead of bread, you get breaded chicken. Multiplied by two.
Beautiful, isn’t it?
Obviously, it’s incredibly high in calcium from all the cheese. And let’s not overlook the magnificent amounts of bacon-and-chicken-sourced protein to add even more astounding heft to our pecs and biceps. Truly a highlight of modern nutrition and culture, and I am just aghast that it took our Lord Baby Jesus this long to bring this wonder of creation down from the heavens and into our grubby, awestruck hands.
Stand back, McDonad’s Big Mac. Go get clamped, Jollibee Champ. Don’t try to stop her, Burger King Whopper. The new KFC Double Down is the new king of the hill among us manly disciples of the Manly Man Manifesto.
What would it take to get KFC Philippines to launch this locally? I’ve started a petition here. Please spread the word. It’s a fairly simple case, I believe:
- Filipino men need protein.
- Chicken is a great source of protein.
- KFC serves a sandwich that is made of PURE PROTEIN.
- Ergo, Filipinos need the KFC Double Down.
I think about five signatures would be enough to convince ol’ Colonel Sanders to look towards our shores. Help me get to that five.
Bring the glory of the KFC Double Down to the Philippines.
Help feed a new breed of macho men in our country.